I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
