you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
