Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
