i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
