In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
