I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
