I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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