the condom got lost in my hair
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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