guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
