Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
