i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
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there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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