you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
