We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Two words: nipple clamps
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