How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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