It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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