i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
