Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
