Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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