the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
