At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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