Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
