a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
