Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
