so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
