ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
