just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
