I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
