he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
