I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
