Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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