i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
