my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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