drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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