i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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