overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
