I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
