oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
