This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
