The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
