Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
