Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
