I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
