The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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