Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
