I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
