my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
