Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Ketchup is God's man juice
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
