so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
