I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
