Who did Billy Mays play for?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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