I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
