i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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