is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
