Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i came on her dog
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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