I wanna bring you to show and tell
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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